Growth

Growth of the human mind, soul, and spirit is an incredible thing. It can grow so much in a very short amount of time, or grow very slowly over a long period of time. For most of us we experience both of these types and everything in-between throughout our whole lives. It seems to me that when it does happen it happens it God's time.

There are times where I have felt like the growth I have made in the last eight months since I've started coming out until now has been so slow. And there are times where I look back and I'm amazed at the growth that I've made. These last two weeks have been a lot like that for me.

About two weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up. It was complicated and sad for both of us. I was also in a hard spot spiritually. I wasn't sure where my future was with the church, with my family, with God. My mind ran in circles all the time. It put a strain on our relationship, and I felt bad about that. I felt bad about my uncertainty.

It wasn't too long after we broke up that I had a really good conversation with a close and trusted friend about this and I realized there will always be uncertainty. Its all a leap of faith. I also realized I've been scared to let God more into my life. Breaking up with my boyfriend was a big step for me and for him that helped us both realize some important things. Something about the breakup triggered my desire to come close to God. I've picked up my scriptures more, I've dug into my beliefs, I've prayed more sincerely and miracles have happened.

This being said my journey is different than many other peoples journey. My beliefs are different. God has helped me to really accept who I am and to begin to realize what blessings come from growing up mormon and gay. I have a unique perspective I can bring to both communities. First and foremost though I can do the most good when I am living authentically. For me right now I've realized that that means dating guys.

I missed my boyfriend a lot and we continued to talk and share our feelings and we have  both realized that our relationship was something special something that was begining to go deeper than just attraction and how much we liked each other. We have gone on a few dates since then and have talked a lot about getting back together. And I have been so happy. More happy than I can really describe.

A few days ago this amazing boy took my on a date and dropped me off at my house afterwards. He came in and met my parents for the first time. And let me tell you my parents are amazing, they have also grown so much to the point where they are very kind and accepting. So many of my worries and fears dissolved that night as all of us talked together and I realized my family could accept a boyfriend and perhaps a future husband.

I have realized that I need God in my life. I've also realized that being Gay and Christian can go together hand in hand. God loves me, he loves this wonderful guy I'm dating. I've been so, so happy these last few days as me and this guy have spent time together again. He is incredible. He is so spiritual and loving, kind and generous, cute and romantic, handsome and charming. I'll stop before anyone gags, but I'm happy, and I want people to know it does get better and you can be happy in this life, God wants that for us so much! As I've prayed and pursued this relationship I have felt what the scriptures describe as "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance" Galatians 5:22-23 God loves all his children regardless of sexual orientation, gender, marriage orientation, he loves us, and we need to love ourselves, and love each other. 

Bask

The other day I was talking with my therapist about days where I feel confident, where my insecurities don't matter to me. He gave me one piece of advice, he said "bask in it, when those days come just bask in it" I liked that. We have up days and down days, it's so good to bask in the good days!

Today and last night are one of those moments where I can bask in it! Yesterday was incredible. I went on that date I was talking about last night. Turned out to be a date, not just a sort of date, and it went very well. He is one of those rare people that I feel completely at ease around, for some reason I don't feel the need to have mental defenses or prove myself to him, I can just be myself. I felt I was able to really enjoy the evening because of that. It was great to get to know him more. We played pool and it was so fun to just joke about the game and our "skills" (or lack of them, haha). We talked about everything, from music to our families to what its like being a part of the church and being gay. I felt like there was so much substance to our conversations.

I could also feel myself begining to fall for him more. And he seems interested too. He felt comfortable calling it a date, and was excited to do this again, hopefully soon. His schedule is pretty busy this next week with ballroom competitions, but I am excited about where this may go. I am so excited. That's why I say I am basking in the moment. This is one of those moments where I actually feel at peace, and I feel happy again, I feel that God is pleased with me and my choices. At least for now I don't have to run the mental gymnastics that I have been. For now I can enjoy having gone on a date with a guy I really liked and enjoyed it! Times like this tend to reinforce my personal belief that God really is Ok with this and happy for me. I also just want to say that I am grateful for the people in my life who can see that this is helping me be happy, that this isn't something innately "evil" but something good, for some that has required a change, and even if they don't agree with it they are happy for me and support me in my choices. It is a wonderful thing to be able to talk to people I trust about this exciting part of my life. Some people just don't have that, and that can be very hard.

Bask in the good moments and be happy for those who are basking in their own moments of fulfillment!

Falling

Falling can be a terrifying yet exhilarating experience. I find it interesting that we use this word to describe the experience of growing attraction, dating, and growing in love for someone else. Falling in love. This experience too is both exhilarating and terrifying. It can be full of immense joy and immense pain. For a long time I wondered if this would ever be something I would feel.

For a time growing up I never really understood the concept of falling in love. The idea of marrying a women never appealed in that sense. Before I really considered that marrying a man was actually an option I thought for me marriage was something logical. You choose a lifelong partner based solely on goals and compatibility. And there were many girls I dated in high school who fit into this. But I did recognize that something was missing. It didn't feel as amazing as my parents or family talked about. It didn't seem as amazing and fun to date for me as it did for my straight friends.

I could sense for a long time that something was different about me. I was terrified to think that I might be gay, because of the culture I grew up in. Looking back, it's pretty obvious to me that I was gay, and I was begining to sense that around the time I was 12 or 13, but it wasn't something I was willing to acknowledge to myself. So I was just confused about my lack of interest in women and dating, and feeling like marriage was more of business deal that is hopefully mutually beneficial, rather than something of deeper meaning.

It really wasn't until about a month and half ago that for the first time I could relate to my straight friends who loved dating, who enjoyed the idea of marriage, and romance in marriage. A month and a half ago I met someone, a very kind and caring man. I began attending a LGBT club at my university and I met him. He invited me over for tea (how cute, right?!) and I remember just looking at him and feeling something. It was amazing. We dated for about a month. We broke it off last week, we feel like its whats best for both of us right now. Thats a story for another day perhaps. But we are still friends and he is still amazing.

As I've been thinking about that month I realized I can actually fall in love, I can experience what it feels like to fall in love and then continue to build that love into something long lasting. And it does not come to me naturally to feel that a way for a woman. It comes very naturally for me to feel that way about a man. It feeds into my thoughts that perhaps this really is something God given, something he isn't apposed too.

This week I attended a service project for a LGBTQ youth safe house near where I live. The club I attend at my university came as well as a gay straight alliance club from a local high school. It was a great project. When we were finishing up I got talking with this guy who attends my university. He is one of those unique people for me who make me feel completely comfortable to be myself. I really don't know what it is about him. We talked for quite some time. We decided to go to the opening night of the new Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them movie. And started an amazing friendship. He is also gay and mormon. From what I've understood so far about his story he is at a similar spot as me. Seems like he is deciding right now that perhaps the church's plan for us isn't what he wants in life.

Point of me sharing this in this post is that I have that feeling of falling again. I'm nervous but excited. I really, really like him. He is very attractive. He has darker curly hair,  he has the perfect height for my preference. He has a very down to earth personalty that is so easy to get along with. He's very relatable. He's a ballroom dancer, which to me is very sexy. I would love to learn ballroom dancing again. I would love to dance with him, that would be amazing! I loved how he showed interest in me and what I liked as well. I set up a "date" sort of, to go play pool and maybe walk around downtown this week. I say sort of because I still am not sure if he is open to the idea o dating right now or if he would just want to be friends. My hope is to find how open he is to the idea of dating guys and see where it leads. I really like him, so we will see how it goes! But as I talked with him I realized again how much I enjoyed that and how much I would love to share my life with a man like him, how much I would love having moments like we were having then throughout my whole life with a man I was married too. Sometimes I think about the fact that if I hadn't been raised Mormon, I already would have chosen that path. Throwing faith and religion into the mix creates some complicated cognitive dissonance. But I keep searching and I feel like I will find the answers I need from God about what direction I need to go in my life. Wish me luck with my "date"

Sleeping at Night

The last day or so I have been thinking of something a friend of mine said as we were talking. He said  that he believes its most important for a person to choose a belief that allows them to sleep at night and then to hold onto that belief. Maybe for some of us that is Christianity, Agnostic, or perhaps Buddhism, or Judaism. Whatever you choose to believe, believe something that allows you to sleep at night.

I've known this friend of mine since we were eleven. At this point in my life I had just moved to the very heart of Mormon Culture. If you think this is salt lake, then you probably haven't lived in Utah. I moved to Provo. From the outside I'm sure we seemed like the perfect Mormon boys. We were obedient, did what we were supposed to. We were the kind of boys most Mormon parents would have wanted, with one slight "flaw" we are both gay. Oddly enough we didn't know this about each other until we were both 21, ten years later. We both struggled feeling like we were alone.

Its a unique experience growing up as a gay Mormon. Growing up most of what I heard about gays was that they were going to Hell, that they were all pedophiles, that they were sinners, they shouldn't have the right to marry, they are destroying families, and etc. The more I realized that I was attracted to men, that I was gay, the more scared of myself I became. I really tried to make that part of me go away. It never did.

I enjoyed high school, I got pretty good at hiding the gay. I served a two year mission for my church, I guess that's when I first began considering the fact that I could be gay. It was about 10 months ago when I first got home that the realization sunk in that yes, I am gay. That was a really hard thing to accept. I feel that it was god who pointed that out to me. It came in a moment that almost felt like God telling me "by the way, just thought you ought to know, you are gay" It didn't feel harsh or judgmental, it just was. That was when I became very harsh and judgmental of myself for several months.

Since returning home from a church service mission I guess my thoughts have begun to shift. My friend I mentioned also served a mission and has since started dating men. He currently has a boyfriend and they are very happy together, and I am very happy for them. What he has said has stuck out to me more. I guess now at this stage in life I'm trying to figure out what belief I can sleep with, what belief feels right for me. Its a very vulnerable stage of life to be in. To not know what I thought I knew and to seek out more. One thing I can say is that I do believe that God approves of Same Sex marriage, I believe that He is happy with his children who love someone so much that they want to care for each other for the rest of their lives, a love so deep that they may want to share that with children. I believe that this is the same for straight, gay, lesbian, or transgender marriages.