Falling

Falling can be a terrifying yet exhilarating experience. I find it interesting that we use this word to describe the experience of growing attraction, dating, and growing in love for someone else. Falling in love. This experience too is both exhilarating and terrifying. It can be full of immense joy and immense pain. For a long time I wondered if this would ever be something I would feel.

For a time growing up I never really understood the concept of falling in love. The idea of marrying a women never appealed in that sense. Before I really considered that marrying a man was actually an option I thought for me marriage was something logical. You choose a lifelong partner based solely on goals and compatibility. And there were many girls I dated in high school who fit into this. But I did recognize that something was missing. It didn't feel as amazing as my parents or family talked about. It didn't seem as amazing and fun to date for me as it did for my straight friends.

I could sense for a long time that something was different about me. I was terrified to think that I might be gay, because of the culture I grew up in. Looking back, it's pretty obvious to me that I was gay, and I was begining to sense that around the time I was 12 or 13, but it wasn't something I was willing to acknowledge to myself. So I was just confused about my lack of interest in women and dating, and feeling like marriage was more of business deal that is hopefully mutually beneficial, rather than something of deeper meaning.

It really wasn't until about a month and half ago that for the first time I could relate to my straight friends who loved dating, who enjoyed the idea of marriage, and romance in marriage. A month and a half ago I met someone, a very kind and caring man. I began attending a LGBT club at my university and I met him. He invited me over for tea (how cute, right?!) and I remember just looking at him and feeling something. It was amazing. We dated for about a month. We broke it off last week, we feel like its whats best for both of us right now. Thats a story for another day perhaps. But we are still friends and he is still amazing.

As I've been thinking about that month I realized I can actually fall in love, I can experience what it feels like to fall in love and then continue to build that love into something long lasting. And it does not come to me naturally to feel that a way for a woman. It comes very naturally for me to feel that way about a man. It feeds into my thoughts that perhaps this really is something God given, something he isn't apposed too.

This week I attended a service project for a LGBTQ youth safe house near where I live. The club I attend at my university came as well as a gay straight alliance club from a local high school. It was a great project. When we were finishing up I got talking with this guy who attends my university. He is one of those unique people for me who make me feel completely comfortable to be myself. I really don't know what it is about him. We talked for quite some time. We decided to go to the opening night of the new Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them movie. And started an amazing friendship. He is also gay and mormon. From what I've understood so far about his story he is at a similar spot as me. Seems like he is deciding right now that perhaps the church's plan for us isn't what he wants in life.

Point of me sharing this in this post is that I have that feeling of falling again. I'm nervous but excited. I really, really like him. He is very attractive. He has darker curly hair,  he has the perfect height for my preference. He has a very down to earth personalty that is so easy to get along with. He's very relatable. He's a ballroom dancer, which to me is very sexy. I would love to learn ballroom dancing again. I would love to dance with him, that would be amazing! I loved how he showed interest in me and what I liked as well. I set up a "date" sort of, to go play pool and maybe walk around downtown this week. I say sort of because I still am not sure if he is open to the idea o dating right now or if he would just want to be friends. My hope is to find how open he is to the idea of dating guys and see where it leads. I really like him, so we will see how it goes! But as I talked with him I realized again how much I enjoyed that and how much I would love to share my life with a man like him, how much I would love having moments like we were having then throughout my whole life with a man I was married too. Sometimes I think about the fact that if I hadn't been raised Mormon, I already would have chosen that path. Throwing faith and religion into the mix creates some complicated cognitive dissonance. But I keep searching and I feel like I will find the answers I need from God about what direction I need to go in my life. Wish me luck with my "date"