Friday, November 4, 2016

Sleeping at Night

The last day or so I have been thinking of something a friend of mine said as we were talking. He said  that he believes its most important for a person to choose a belief that allows them to sleep at night and then to hold onto that belief. Maybe for some of us that is Christianity, Agnostic, or perhaps Buddhism, or Judaism. Whatever you choose to believe, believe something that allows you to sleep at night.

I've known this friend of mine since we were eleven. At this point in my life I had just moved to the very heart of Mormon Culture. If you think this is salt lake, then you probably haven't lived in Utah. I moved to Provo. From the outside I'm sure we seemed like the perfect Mormon boys. We were obedient, did what we were supposed to. We were the kind of boys most Mormon parents would have wanted, with one slight "flaw" we are both gay. Oddly enough we didn't know this about each other until we were both 21, ten years later. We both struggled feeling like we were alone.

Its a unique experience growing up as a gay Mormon. Growing up most of what I heard about gays was that they were going to Hell, that they were all pedophiles, that they were sinners, they shouldn't have the right to marry, they are destroying families, and etc. The more I realized that I was attracted to men, that I was gay, the more scared of myself I became. I really tried to make that part of me go away. It never did.

I enjoyed high school, I got pretty good at hiding the gay. I served a two year mission for my church, I guess that's when I first began considering the fact that I could be gay. It was about 10 months ago when I first got home that the realization sunk in that yes, I am gay. That was a really hard thing to accept. I feel that it was god who pointed that out to me. It came in a moment that almost felt like God telling me "by the way, just thought you ought to know, you are gay" It didn't feel harsh or judgmental, it just was. That was when I became very harsh and judgmental of myself for several months.

Since returning home from a church service mission I guess my thoughts have begun to shift. My friend I mentioned also served a mission and has since started dating men. He currently has a boyfriend and they are very happy together, and I am very happy for them. What he has said has stuck out to me more. I guess now at this stage in life I'm trying to figure out what belief I can sleep with, what belief feels right for me. Its a very vulnerable stage of life to be in. To not know what I thought I knew and to seek out more. One thing I can say is that I do believe that God approves of Same Sex marriage, I believe that He is happy with his children who love someone so much that they want to care for each other for the rest of their lives, a love so deep that they may want to share that with children. I believe that this is the same for straight, gay, lesbian, or transgender marriages.

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